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War On Christmas
The War On Christmas is a liberal attack on the American institution of Christmas, begun in 2005, by the Liberal media and many large corporations, who frequently eschewed the word 'Christmas' in their coverage and advertisements. One retailer, Target Stores, went so far as to describe sales on 'Holiday Trees' and 'Holiday Lights'. This is in spite of having Tube Socks at bargain prices. Background As Americans, it is our sacred duty each Chistmas to buy cheap crap for relatives we find annoying. This is what our Lord has commanded. Thus, when entering a discount retail store to commit this sacrament, we should be greeted by underpaid wage-slaves thusly: "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? And check out the bargains in aisle 6." It's a real war, not a made-up one like a War on Poverty or War on Illiteracy or War on Drugs or the War on Stem Cells. How does Stephen know this? Because Papa Bear has seen the enemy, and it is liberals. Casualties Over 400 brave soldiers have already been lost in the war against Christmas. Please help our troops by sending donations to the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation. Notable Battles The central front in the War on Christmas is Iraq, and with hopes for a Christmas hanging of the tyrant Saddam Hussein, this year, Stephen's Blitzkreig On Grinchitude looks to be off to a great start. On November 24th, 2006, 10,000 pro-Christmas troops stormed the Wal-Mart in Blythville, Arkansas. The first wave met resistance from ACLU backed secular-progessives (S-P) who beat back the forces of Christmas using subpoenas issued by the Godless 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. However, a second wave was able to break through the S-P defences and proceded to burn any products labeled as "holliday" or "kwanzaa". Also they found some awsome deals on lawnmowers. Different "Fronts" (Other places where battles are taking place between those who love Our Lord and Savior and those who suck) The Battle of Dick's Sporting Goods The Battle of Dick's Sporting Goods errupted late Tuesday night between one heroic cashier and several customers. The valliant cashier had told several of his customers "Merry Christmas" when one lady with a belly like a bowl full of jelly turned around and promptly scolded the cashier for wishing them a "Merry Christmas" as they did not celebrate Christmas. When the cashier refused to apologize and wished them again "Merry Christmas" The situation quickly tumbeled out of control when several more athiest customers joined in on the side of anti-Christmas, and after much kicking, screaming, and a little bit of biting, the cashier was rewarded with a paid hour long break, and the lady was removed from the store. Useful Weapons * Truthiness *Faith *Baby Jesus *Tube Socks Liberal Attacks Now with the democrats firmly in control of congress they have begun to raise the temperature so there will be no snow for Christmas. To combat this we must keep our freezers open at all times. This is part of the master plan by Al Gore. Santa = Soviet Close investigation have revealed Santa's status as a continued member and loyal supporter of the Communist Party. Note the red clothing, his commune operating out of the Arctic region and a legion of workers who are all the exact same size... The toys are a mirage, acting as the covert propaganda of the proletariat- protect our children. With Us * Jesus * The Baby Jesus * God * Mary * Mother Nature * FOX News * The Original George Dubya *Gregory House Against Us * Satan * The Baby Satan * Frosty * Rudolph * Santa * The Anti-Claus * Gregory House's Jewish friend James Wilson * Liberals * New York Intellectuals * Professional Musicians * NBC - They call it a "Civil War on Christmas" * England * The British * Jews * Police * Real Christmas Trees See Also * Bearism * "Merry Christmas" * The True Meaning of Christmas * The White Christmas Album